…in days of auld lang syne…

Happy New Year everyone.

I don’t normally make resolutions at the new year, rather I make them on my birthday.  They become more personal that way.  However, because of things going on in my life, I have decided to make one resolution that is very concrete.  I resolve to become fluent in Spanish.

I will also continue to go to the gym, get in shape, and focus on my career.  But I’ve been doing these all along the way, so I resolve to continue to do them.

I also resolve to get my emotional baggage in order.  To regain my personal power and freedom from the fear I carry around.  I have the tools for this, I just need to focus on positive energy and continue to surround myself with good people who love and care for me.

Darlin’, so it goes, some things are meant to be

Ok, folks, here it is…

I might, just might, be falling in love.

I said some things out loud to Sophie yesterday that surprised me.  Got me really truly thinking.

I have had boyfriends pretty well straight through since age 15.  In the  last few years not so much.  Though, I have to say, I’ve enjoyed being single, finding myself, being self-reliant.  I’ve enjoyed it so much that I almost didn’t want to find someone else. “Someone else” has always ended up being destructive and hurtful in my life.

I’ve met someone (who has a whole slew of complications included) who knows himself, wants to know me, and is willing to jump blindly. Throw caution to the wind. I find myself thinking of him all the time.  Admiring him, what he does now, what he’s lived through, the path he’s taken, the path he’s about to take.

Wise men say, “Only fools rush in…”

Time and again I would try to say all I’d want you to know

The Question

Love, a question
has destroyed you.

I have come back to you
from thorny uncertainty.

I want you straight as
the sword or the road.

But you insist
on keeping a nook
of shadow that I do not want.

My love,
understand me,
I love all of you,
from eyes to feet, to toenails,
inside,
all the brightness, which you kept.

It is I, my love,
who knocks at your door.
It is not the ghost, it is not
the one who once stopped
at your window.
I knock down the door:
I enter your life:
I come to live in your soul:
you cannot cope with me.

You must open door to door,
you must obey me,
you must open your eyes
so that I may search in them,
you must see how I walk
with heavy steps
along all the roads
that, blind, were waiting for me.

Do not fear,
I am yours,
but
I am not the passenger or the beggar,
I am your master,
the one you were waiting for,
and now I enter
your life,
no more to leave it,
love, love, love,
but to stay.

Pablo Neruda

{insert song Matt Castle wrote in Styles}

I’m so tired of the household drama.  I have stayed out of it for a long time, and lately, it’s been affecting me as much as everyone else.  Why can’t we all just get along.  Be respectful of each other, of our space.  Why is it unreasonable to expect someone to clean up after themselves?  Why do I constantly feel like I’m a guest living in someone else’s space?

Ugh.

I’m sure there will be fall out from this post.  What can I say?  I’m frustrated.

(I just deleted a whole post about this.  This is one of those moments where I can not say what’s on my mind.  It will make it worse.)

I love my home.  I love being at home.  I love my roommates (all of them).  But one of them is going through some changes in her life and her priorities are changing (congratulations are in order) and one of the things falling to the wayside is care of of her living arrangements and roommates.  I’ve heard that she thinks the other three of us are ganging up on her.  The truth is, we are trying to figure out how to fairly manage the household without her, because she hasn’t been reliable in the past few months. When we need to make decisions about chores or where to store something and she isn’t around, it probably does feel like we’re “ganging” up on her.  There’s nothing malicious about it.  I want to make one thing extremely clear though: We are not pushing her out of the house.  We are not sitting here counting the hours until she moves out.  She and I have been friends for a really long time, and with the way things are, this living situation is my last link to her.  When she does move out and in with her new husband, I’m willing to bet our friendship will be over.  It will be sad for me.

So there it is.

I feel like there is nothing I can do until I hear from this roommate.  She didn’t respond to a text I sent her on Monday (I was angry with her when I sent it, but I felt it was fair), and she certainly doesn’t reach out to me on any sort of regular basis.  So, I wait.  I deal with things as they come up.  I try not to get too frustrated.  Nothing is that big, at the end of the day.

I cant even title this one. So angry.

So much drama.

Why don’t people just do the right thing? Is it really that hard to be respectful of the people around you.

Must be interesting to live in a cacoon where no one else matters.

We might as well face up to it

Something has been bothering me for quite sometime. I don’t get easily worked up about little things: I don’t care if there’s a breadmaker on the counter or if someone forgot to fill the salt and peppers at work. These aren’t all that important.

This is.

I have a friend, who a year ago, I would’ve said was my best friend. Today, I hardly know them. They certainly don’t know me. The few times we are together, I don’t even like them. We used to share our hearts. Today I can’t talk to them without feeling like they’re not listening or getting defensive (about what?). Mostly, I feel that they don’t hear.

Yes, people change. I am an example of that. But you hope that they change for the better. That they become kinder, more compassionate through their experience as a member of the human race.

Instead I now have a “friend”, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to turn to again.

Señor Don Gato was a cat.

Well, friends, sorry it’s been so long.  As we all know life can get crazy, sad, happy, wild, and very very busy.

So, here I am.  Back for now.

The fall has been lovely.

Red Door did an amazing children’s theatre production of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I’m not sure there has been any production I’ve been prouder of.  Thank you to every person who had a hand in it.

My birthday came and went.  Some of my closest friends trekked out to Astoria to celebrate. Izze made a cake with Kate Monster on it.  I was filled with happiness.

I’ve been working at a new restaurant since August.  Mostly good people, decent money, hard work.  It’s a good place for now.  I’m not sure how I will be able to finagle a schedule change for the productions I have coming up, but I will certainly be invaluable until then, and try anyway.

I will be stage managing for The Barrow Group in Feb and March. April and May I will be working with Susanne Boulle on a production for RDT and the First Annual Queens Fringe Festival.  May and June I will be working with Bill Roetzheim on three shows in rep – directing one, acting in one, and associate producing all.

Dating has been interesting lately.  I’ve met some pretty wonderful people in the last few months.  It is really really hard for me to envision myself in a relationship.  I’m just starting to think that maybe I have the wrong outlook about it, but I’ve been happy and comfortable until now.  I don’t really trust people (thank you, Aaron) and a few little jabs in the heart this year have not been helpful in overcoming this.  However, that said, something is brewing, that could be wonderful.

Slow… Steady…

So, here I am.  I’m back.  Itching to create things.  Anxious to move forward.

Galileo’s head was on the block

I’m still here. Been hiding out, I admit. Things have been weird and haven’t felt much like documenting them.

But!

I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Promise to blog more really really soon!

The road is, the road is free, and I’m coming home

What it feels like is coming home.

I’m not sure that helps.

For All I know, but you may be right.

This song just seemed appropriate to my brain today.

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said Im sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasnt hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

Ive been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through bedford stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that Im insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Turn out the light
Dont try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
cause you might enjoy some madness for awhile

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If Im crazy then its true
That its all because of you
And you wouldnt want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Its too late to fight
Its too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Turn out the light
Dont try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right