Señor Don Gato was a cat.

Well, friends, sorry it’s been so long.  As we all know life can get crazy, sad, happy, wild, and very very busy.

So, here I am.  Back for now.

The fall has been lovely.

Red Door did an amazing children’s theatre production of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I’m not sure there has been any production I’ve been prouder of.  Thank you to every person who had a hand in it.

My birthday came and went.  Some of my closest friends trekked out to Astoria to celebrate. Izze made a cake with Kate Monster on it.  I was filled with happiness.

I’ve been working at a new restaurant since August.  Mostly good people, decent money, hard work.  It’s a good place for now.  I’m not sure how I will be able to finagle a schedule change for the productions I have coming up, but I will certainly be invaluable until then, and try anyway.

I will be stage managing for The Barrow Group in Feb and March. April and May I will be working with Susanne Boulle on a production for RDT and the First Annual Queens Fringe Festival.  May and June I will be working with Bill Roetzheim on three shows in rep – directing one, acting in one, and associate producing all.

Dating has been interesting lately.  I’ve met some pretty wonderful people in the last few months.  It is really really hard for me to envision myself in a relationship.  I’m just starting to think that maybe I have the wrong outlook about it, but I’ve been happy and comfortable until now.  I don’t really trust people (thank you, Aaron) and a few little jabs in the heart this year have not been helpful in overcoming this.  However, that said, something is brewing, that could be wonderful.

Slow… Steady…

So, here I am.  I’m back.  Itching to create things.  Anxious to move forward.

Galileo’s head was on the block

I’m still here. Been hiding out, I admit. Things have been weird and haven’t felt much like documenting them.

But!

I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Promise to blog more really really soon!

The road is, the road is free, and I’m coming home

What it feels like is coming home.

I’m not sure that helps.

For All I know, but you may be right.

This song just seemed appropriate to my brain today.

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said Im sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasnt hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

Ive been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through bedford stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that Im insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Turn out the light
Dont try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
cause you might enjoy some madness for awhile

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If Im crazy then its true
That its all because of you
And you wouldnt want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Its too late to fight
Its too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic youre looking for
Turn out the light
Dont try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right

Can you count me in?

I ran away from my life yesterday. I wish I could’ve stayed away longer. What I ran to, I’m not sure.

I know I needed that in that moment. But my libra mind can’t focus. There are two options here, both make sense to me. Both are ridiculously scary. Do I allow myself to be put in a position to be hurt all over again by someone who hurt me before. Or, do I run away into nothingness, an unknown. Am I responding to heartache that never leaves?

The solace is that this person does know me, already knows my strife. But my strife is precisely what drove him away. He couldn’t handle it.

It’s a part of me. It doesn’t go away. It’s like a horcrux scar on my heart.

He is a good good person. I’m scared out of my mind to trust him. I guess it will just take time to sort out. It started this way before, and time changed both of our opinions. In three months will he be unhappy and over it again…?

I’ve read the words before so now I know

Moving forward.

I am always always always surprised when  I find out I have semi-regular readers.  It makes me wonder if I need to be more cautious in my ramblings, and then I think perhaps my readers need to be more cautious in reading my ramblings.  That would be better.  Then I can still write whatever I want.  Bare in mind that what I write on these pages is what is true to my heart in the moment that I write it.  Sometimes, just getting it on the “page” is enough to remove it from my soul, and sometimes it just makes the topic blossom in my heart.

Point is, you never know.  I encourage you not to judge me too much based on what you see here.  You just never know what is truly going on in my head. Sometimes even I don’t know.

I’ve recently been revisited by my past.  A good but scary part of my past.  I’m sure there will be more here about it. I don’t know what will happen, I don’t know what I want to happen.

On lighter topics…

Work is ok.  I’m tired.  My schedule for this coming week is heinous.  Not at all what I talked to the manager about.  I think responsibilities are changing among our management so I believe someone new is doing the schedule.  I will have to find a way to talk to them about it.  I came home last night with a migrain headache, a backache, no food for the entire day, and this was after the mgr asked me to stay for a double.  I said no.  I felt bad for the girl who did end up staying with no break for the day. However, by the end of the week I should be well on my way to being caught up with paying some of my summer debts off.  That will be nice.

Trying to cast Sleepy Hollow.  Men are tough to come by.  Somehow I will find time to get this done, around work this week.

Perhaps I will be able to slip my toes in the sand tonight…

It’s today.

Because I lived here 8 years ago, I do not feel the need to talk about, statusize about, or cry about the date on any social networking site or anywhere.  I have my own feelings about it, that don’t change what happened, don’t change how I feel about my city, my hometown.

I do not accept any criticism on the fact that I seem to be ignoring the day.  I’m not.  I’m just not making a show of shouting about it.

Most of you sat at home an watched it happen on tv.  My friends (my new york family) and I lived through it.  Changed, in ways that I feel some people envy.  That’s sad.

Enough.

Then you might as well take the sun away

And life goes on…

The new job seems to be fine.  So far so good, at any rate.

I recently started working on some new jazz arrangements for myself. Unique and yet easy enough for me to play and sing…  Finale and I have been getting pretty friendly.

Candace moved in.  Yay!  Candace is a friend and colleague that I went to high school with a million years ago, and now we both pursue acting in NYC.

Been on a few dates.  It’s been ok.  No one special.  (Sorry, if you were one of them and you’re reading this.)  Each date makes me angrier about the way Séamus handled things.

That said, he was in the hospital this weekend after having a seizure.  I found out today.  I know he’s all independent and everything, but dude.  Kind of a big deal. I also think it’s time for him to stop being a wuss and take a leap of faith, and quit his job.  His office is now blaming him for the fact that they are losing money.  It’s not true and so now he’s even more miserable at work.

As I pointed out to him, what is his happiness worth?  What’s the price tag?

It really really sucks to see artists (and I mean all sorts of artists) get sucked into the idea of needing needing needing money.  To the point where it distracts from every other aspect of life.  It isn’t hard to live simply.  Even if you have things you want to do.  It can all be done.  You might have to be more creative in your finances.  But it absolutely can be done.  You want to spend every weekend surfing and kayaking? Great!  Do without the cable and the coffee stops.  Have two pints instead of three.  Ugh.

Or just be hardheaded and miserable.

Sleepy Hollow auditions went out today.  I guess that’s my next focus.

Just generally feeling out of sorts.

However, I’m down 30 (that’s right 30!) pounds.  I fit into clothing I wore in grad school.

So that’s good.

Oh, the other funny thing that happened:  I went to 24 for a glass of wine after work on Saturday.  This guy comes in and we start chatting.  Turns out he’s an ex’s former roommate.  Small little world.

But I know the truth…

It’s been a hard few days.  Dealing with the show and the “breakup” which wasn’t really a “breakup” has taken a toll on me.  On top of which I’ve started a new job, which I felt really really good about, until the new manager showed up and started out by saying, in a gruff French accent, that he wasn’t there to be anybody’s friend.  Ok then.

I’ve made some decisions regarding Seamus and how I felt and what I wanted.  He missed my show yesterday and offered to make it up by taking me out for a beer.  Bad idea.  A little alcohol mixed with a lot of honesty bursting to get out, equals a big mess.  But at least the truth is out there.

Something I learned about him early on was that he carries around a certain amount of self-centeredness.  Of course he does, he’s an artist.  I think that it is a requirement of all artistic people to be somewhat self-centered.  But, his led to not communicating very clearly and assuming that he had all the answers, knew what I was thinking and what I wanted.  I spent a lot of time quietly trying to suss him out, figure out who he is.  Well, I don’t have to be quiet anymore.  I will be out-spoken, and direct in dealing with him from now on.

And I was last night after 3 pints.

It feels awful to be rejected, when there was nothing to reject in the first place.  He just did it… I don’t know why he did it…  There was no need to end “nothing” so why did he make such a fucking big deal out of it?

Anyway, it felt good to explode at him.  To say what I meant.  Probably what I should’ve said a long time ago.

So, I don’t know what will happen now, but at least I feel empowered again.  And he knows the truth.

Worry. Why do I let myself worry? Wondrin’ what in the world did I do?

My heart aches.  Again.

Seamus and I have ended what little relationship we had.

No, Seamus ended it.

I know this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.  But, knowing him was a part of my healing.  I feel set back a few steps.  And to make it worse, it’s the things I love most about him that make me certain this is fairly final.  His need for adventure, his zeal for life, his joy in his work.  These things make him restless, and he’s given up too much time in his life to “settling down” already.  I wish he didn’t see love as settling down, but recognized that it can compliment the life he wants.  Though, I admit it would take someone incredibly special to be able to live that way.  He would be worth it.

I know that he has a big black hole in his soul, that he has ignored for too long.  I believe from my own experiences, that only he can fix it.  But I wish I could come along for the ride.

I’ve never met a man like him.  I’m afraid I never will again.  He changed me.  In amazing ways.

Last night, as we spent 5 hours saying goodbye, everything I had felt in the past few months came tumbling out.  I told him how I missed him while he was gone, my fears that I blamed on Aaron.  I told him how I was afraid to talk to him, for fear of losing him.  I told him how lucky I was for every moment being with him, and how I took not one second for granted.

I will never meet another man like this one.  That scares me.  I know what I want now.  He showed me what could be.

I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.  I’m tired of being told it has nothing to do with me.  If that was true I wouldn’t hurt so much.  If it had nothing to do with me then a decision wouldn’t be made about me.  So of course it has to do with me.

I miss him already.  I miss looking for his texts.  I miss thinking about him before I fall asleep, and first thing when I wake up.

He swears that we will stay friends.  I don’t know if I believe him.  I don’t know if I can rely on that, or will it just continue to hurt, when we don’t stay friends.

I’m tired and I just want to run away.

I’m so confused

and lost.

And lonely.