It’s no secret that I tend to write more here when I’ve gotten involved with someone. These are the things, the feelings I want to remember. So I write more. I think it might be premature to really start talking about it, but let’s just say, things are good. I’ve met someone I really like. I don’t know him very well yet, to be fair, but so far so good.
Actually, the real reason I wanted to write today has to do with something that happened yesterday. I was supposed to go to a band concert that some friends from Shenandoah were playing in. One of whom was Justin.
I’ve been round and round about Justin for so long I can’t even keep it straight. But I’ve found recently that I’ve lost my rose colored glasses when it comes to him. As long as I’ve known him he’s been, what I have lovingly referred to as, a “Story-teller”. He tells little white lies that make for better stories, and generally I just assumed that everyone could tell the difference between what he was saying and the truth. I always felt like I could. Some of my friends in college just didn’t believe anything he said ever, and couldn’t understand why I adored him so.
Fast forward to this past year and a half. I recently found out that he’s been telling me a lie the entire time we’ve been back in touch. He didn’t mean it maliciously, he probably meant it not to hurt my feelings. And about six months ago, the confirmation of this lie would’ve been devastating. But it’s out there. He forgets that we share friends, and that as his friends, we all sort of look out for one another. So one of his friends told me the truth. For which I was grateful. The truth will set you free and all that.
Recently, Justin told me another “story” about moving and one of our friends moving in with him. I mentioned it to said friend, and he didn’t know what I was talking about. What a stupid thing to lie about. I don’t care if he moves, or if friends move in with him, or whatever. And this is just one example of several dumb lies he’s told for no reason. That I can see.
So yesterday morning, as I was running, I realized that I hadn’t seen Justin since March, and that I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to seeing him. That was a shocking revelation. I spent all summer so looking forward to getting to see him again. So for me to not be excited, not even really want to see him, was a bit eye opening.
I’ve been doing a lot of house cleaning. I never asked him to lie to me, to sheild my feelings. Honesty would have gotten him way farther with me. And looking back without those rose colored glasses, I realize this is just how he is and has been for as long as I’ve known him. The smart women have stayed away from him for their own self-preservation and so he continually ends up with women who are so blind that they believe everything he tells them. That was never me. And he must have kown it, as he’s kept me at arm’s length forever. So, I’m thinking that maybe it’s finally time to let him go.
Everything in my life has changed. I’m strong enough to make this change too, and not spend the next fifteen years wondering if it was the right choice. If he had actually wanted me, he would’ve made that work. But, as my friends all seem to know, better than I, Justin only wants what Justin wants.
What a complicated relationship that was. I’m glad to be able to categorize much more succinctly now.
Also, what I ended up doing last night was way better.
