I feel the earth move under my feet.

No time to breathe.

I’m very very busy to say the least.  I’ve got two shows up and running, one show in rehearsal, one show in pre-production. (For those keeping track, that’s 4 shows)  I’m thinking about getting back into audition-mode.  I’m looking for a new survival job.  I’m trying my best to take time for myself.

A couple of things to note for this week: First, Ed moved away.  I knew it was coming and I didn’t think about it.  I kept thinking it was further ahead then it was.  Next thing I know, he’s getting his friends together for a beer the night before he leaves. I was glad to go.  I’m not normally a social person, but I was really happy to be able to go to this.  I don’t know how but Ed has become incredibly important to me.  We met a year and a half ago when he came to audition at the Barrow Group. I happened to be working in the box office that day, my personal life falling apart in front of my eyes, and this very attractive (clearly straight), blonde man came in to audition.  Tammie and I both swooned a little.  Ed and I became friends that day.  I think we both toyed with the idea of more then friends, but smartly we ignored those temptations.

One evening late last summer, I was really hurting from heartache and Ed was really hurting from his PTSD (he did two tours in Iraq). We met up at Columbus Circle, gave each other a hug, and I just cried and cried.  Then we walked for a while.  It felt strange and safe to have this masculine friend who was also struggling through something and to whom I could go to for just about anything.  I don’t even have many girlfriends that I feel that way about.  He never made me feel stupid for my feelings and we really could talk about anything.  He’s only moved to Boston, but Boston is not Astoria and there will be no more last minute pint stops… 😦

Second, I finally got into rehearsals for Dog Sees God this week.  My role is short, but important, and incredibly difficult.  Tom, who is playing opposite me, is an incredibly giving actor and helps me find such joy in my work.  That said, I’m very clearly describing something specific to me in my monologue and I’m grateful to Susanne for knowing me like she does and being open to me talking to her about my experiences.

Third, it truly is the little things that make life incredibly pleasant.  Séamus recommended a book to me, The Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins.  I downloaded it onto my Kindle, and it has helped me to do a few things.  I’m forcing myself to read it on the subway, instead of working, researching, or otherwise engaging my brain.  This has made some built-in me time everyday.  The book is a thrilling read, the language is incredible, the metaphor so enticing I just want to read it aloud, preferably with a lover. Having such joy reading this book also gives me permission to spend some time thinking about the recommender which just makes me smile in a huge way.

I have doubts.  About many many things.  I simply choose to live each day as it comes, and sometimes a doubt is laid aside for a while.  That is worth every breath.


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