Don’t read this if you don’t care…


I’m having one of those times where all I want to do is scream “FUCK YOU” at the top of my lungs and direct it at everyone I’ve ever known.  The people who told me I wouldn’t succeed, the lovers who left either too soon or too late, the friends who were only friends when it was convenient.

It’s amazing to me that I have been called “selfish.”   I have just started to learn that it is actually okay to put myself first.  And one of my closest friends is calling me selfish.  Unbelievable. This coming from someone who really hasn’t spent any time with me in the last few months, and doesn’t know what’s been in my heart of late.

I AM STILL GRIEVING.

And it HAS to be okay.

The only people who actually know what happened are me and Aaron.  So back the hell off. Let me grieve.  My experience is uniquely mine.  And you know what?  I hold it inside for the benefit of everyone else 90% of the time.  I only expect my closest friends to allow me the freedom of truly being me.  Apparently, that was wrong on my part.

My apologies.  I guess the only one who will see my tears will be me.  Fine.  That’s completely fine.

Now I know.

In the end, I know none of this matters to anyone but me.  That’s fine.  I will go on and things will get better, tiny bit by tiny bit.  But next time you jump to judgement, take a minute to think about what you want to say and to whom you are saying it.

I miss having a playmate.  And that is the only word to describe him.  I’m tired of having to stay in check and watch what I say and how I behave.  I miss having someone to fly off the cuff with.

Have you ever hated and missed someone with the same intensity?  I find myself having to remember what he did… at the end of the day he knew me better than anyone else.  He would’ve known that all I needed to feel better today was some food and attention.

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