He’s broken my resistance and I don’t know where I am

I’m going to write some things today that might get me into a spot of trouble.  I don’t know who reads this and maybe I’d be surprised if I did, but I have some things I need to get off of my chest.

First off, I’m falling.  Hard.  Faster then expected. Ok, maybe not faster then expected – it’s been 3 months since the first date. And things were really really slow for the first two months.  But the past two weeks something has happened.  He came back from holiday with some sort of insight, clarity was the word he used.  And suddenly, there are daily visits, txts, 5 minutes here or there.  I love it.  Every second of it.  But, I wasn’t mentally prepared.  My defenses were down.  And now look.  I’m left wondering what he thinks.  Does he tell people I’m his “girlfriend”? And, why can’t I ask him that?  (I know he talks about me, because I’ve heard him mention my name on the phone, without explanation.) I’m also wondering what I think. Is he my boyfriend?

I’d certainly like him to be, but the label isn’t so important. Though, I’d be honored.

Secondly, he’s off to drive across the country with a friend of his I’ve never met, but heard a lot about.  Weird enough, I’m not at all bothered about the fact that this friend is a woman.  I am insanely jealous of the adventure he’s about to have and I wish I was there to see his face as he adventured through places he’s never seen before.  And for the first time, I miss him.  Do you remember the first time you missed your lover?

Probably, added to all of this is my stress level is outrageous.  I desperately need a vacation.  I keep thinking about San Diego, but I can’t afford to go right now.  I also am in that weird place where I would want him to come with me and it’s way too soon to even talk about such a thing.  Also, my sister is making me crazy with worry.  Her behavior is incredibly self-destructive and I can’t do anything about it.  It makes me tired to think about it.  I just want to grab her by the neck and shake her until she “gets” it.  Truth be told, I want to cry my eyes out about it.

So there it is.  My heart aches with both good and bad.  Fairly equally.

I’m missing my friends who are away even more then usual: Edward, Chris, Kyleen, Joel, Erin, and now Tom and Seamus.  I’m glad Ben is home though…

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