My heart aches. Again.
Seamus and I have ended what little relationship we had.
No, Seamus ended it.
I know this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. But, knowing him was a part of my healing. I feel set back a few steps. And to make it worse, it’s the things I love most about him that make me certain this is fairly final. His need for adventure, his zeal for life, his joy in his work. These things make him restless, and he’s given up too much time in his life to “settling down” already. I wish he didn’t see love as settling down, but recognized that it can compliment the life he wants. Though, I admit it would take someone incredibly special to be able to live that way. He would be worth it.
I know that he has a big black hole in his soul, that he has ignored for too long. I believe from my own experiences, that only he can fix it. But I wish I could come along for the ride.
I’ve never met a man like him. I’m afraid I never will again. He changed me. In amazing ways.
Last night, as we spent 5 hours saying goodbye, everything I had felt in the past few months came tumbling out. I told him how I missed him while he was gone, my fears that I blamed on Aaron. I told him how I was afraid to talk to him, for fear of losing him. I told him how lucky I was for every moment being with him, and how I took not one second for granted.
I will never meet another man like this one. That scares me. I know what I want now. He showed me what could be.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough. I’m tired of being told it has nothing to do with me. If that was true I wouldn’t hurt so much. If it had nothing to do with me then a decision wouldn’t be made about me. So of course it has to do with me.
I miss him already. I miss looking for his texts. I miss thinking about him before I fall asleep, and first thing when I wake up.
He swears that we will stay friends. I don’t know if I believe him. I don’t know if I can rely on that, or will it just continue to hurt, when we don’t stay friends.
I’m tired and I just want to run away.
I’m so confused