It’s been a hard few days. Dealing with the show and the “breakup” which wasn’t really a “breakup” has taken a toll on me. On top of which I’ve started a new job, which I felt really really good about, until the new manager showed up and started out by saying, in a gruff French accent, that he wasn’t there to be anybody’s friend. Ok then.
I’ve made some decisions regarding Seamus and how I felt and what I wanted. He missed my show yesterday and offered to make it up by taking me out for a beer. Bad idea. A little alcohol mixed with a lot of honesty bursting to get out, equals a big mess. But at least the truth is out there.
Something I learned about him early on was that he carries around a certain amount of self-centeredness. Of course he does, he’s an artist. I think that it is a requirement of all artistic people to be somewhat self-centered. But, his led to not communicating very clearly and assuming that he had all the answers, knew what I was thinking and what I wanted. I spent a lot of time quietly trying to suss him out, figure out who he is. Well, I don’t have to be quiet anymore. I will be out-spoken, and direct in dealing with him from now on.
And I was last night after 3 pints.
It feels awful to be rejected, when there was nothing to reject in the first place. He just did it… I don’t know why he did it… There was no need to end “nothing” so why did he make such a fucking big deal out of it?
Anyway, it felt good to explode at him. To say what I meant. Probably what I should’ve said a long time ago.
So, I don’t know what will happen now, but at least I feel empowered again. And he knows the truth.