I was thinking about some things today. Matt said something that got my brain rattled a little. I was talking about my weekend, and telling him about J’s visit, and Matt, who has known me for a year – and knows me pretty well, I think – said that he had never seen me vulnerable before.
Of course! That’s what’s going on with me. I am 100% vulnerable in that man’s (J’s) presence. In a way that I am not in any other part of my life. I feel out of control, shy, outside of my body. I am a powerful, successful, driven woman. I run a business that I founded, I was on the phone telling a business colleague to “stop dicking around,” I produce theatre in the most exciting theatre city in the world. And this one person, makes me weak in the knees, completely inarticulate, and vulnerable.
Probably there’s some meaning to that. But, you know what, I don’t care. It’s who I happen to be with that person right now. I hope, and believe, that the more time I get to spend with him, I will get over this (though part of me finds it exciting that there is someone who makes me feel that way). I will grow to feel comfortable just being myself as I am now, not feeling like there is an expectation of me being my college self, but rather the incredible woman I’ve grown into.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it one more time for those not really listening, so glad that he’s around again. I hope that he’s around for years to come, maybe the rest of our lives, truly in any capacity. I don’t need anything from him other then just that – be in my life. I’m not even defining how. It doesn’t matter. For now, I find that I’m trying to play catch up, and maybe I’m being too intense. I won’t apologize for that. Why should I? But, I will make an effort, from here forward to trust that I don’t need to soak up every second, because, unlike before, there will be an unending supply of seconds.
As Miss Goldberg, the High School Sweetheart, and the Wife would say: relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax, relax…