I’m a loser, baby (so, why don’t you kill me?)

It’s been a little while.  Sorry for that.

I just haven’t been incredibly inspired to write anything.  Nothing worth documenting seems to be going on.  I am having a hard time with some personal things and I feel a little lost and very lonely.

I’m missing two opportunities to act in shows in New York this summer.  I accepted a stage managing job in Stonington, Maine for the better parts of June and July.  I’m glad for the offer.  The Equity contract makes me feel validated.  I’m collecting insurance weeks.  I’m a great stage manager, and I could probably make a career out of it.

But it doesn’t fulfill my soul.

I might go so far as to say stage managing often makes me feel like a failure.

Wow.  I hadn’t put that into words before.

Stage managing is one of the toughest, least celebrated positions in the theatre.  But it is also easily the most important.  It is the person who is completely responsible for the show after the rehearsal process.  It’s the role of mom, teacher, cheerleader, boss, and task-master.  It is not easy, and the creative outlets are limited to “creative problem solving.” People who know me are never surprised when I tell them I do a lot of stage managing.  My mind, of course, translates this to “far better as a stage manager, then she ever was as an actor.”

Which I know is untrue.  I am a far far better actor than stage manager.

But, why do the important people in my creative life keep taking me out of acting things and then asking if I would stage manage?

Perfect example:  I worked with a playwright developing a new script.  Both she and the director of an upcoming production (already cast) said I was easily the best for the part they had ever heard.  Now the show is getting produced in New York, and they are using two people from the first production and two people from New York.  Guess who’s not getting to do it?  Me.  Even though I was told I was better than the girl who did the first production, by the people casting it.

I know this seems silly.  I know it’s the business. I know.

It just really, really sucks.  I feel like a complete loser.

And of course, I was asked to stage manage.

And then I ask myself, why can’t I just recognize that there’s a place for me as a stage manager and be grateful for it.  Maybe because I’ve never settled for anything.  It’s never been my dream to be a stage manager.  I’ve never settled in my career, I’ve never settled in love, I’ve just never settled when I believed there was something better for me out there.

So, I’ve done the thing I’ve always told my sister to do and made my “Happy List” – a list of things, within my control, that make me happy.  I’m going to focus on that for a while and hope that I start to feel better.


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